TUESDAY JOKES - 97

 

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The Ticket Agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky . Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
I am sorry, Sir," said the Ticket Agent . "We can't allow animals in the theatre."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre .
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm . The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie .
"Marge," whispered Mildred . "What?" said Marge
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge .
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred .
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge.
" At our age we've seen them all"
"I thought so too," said Mildred,
But this one is eating my popcorn!"

The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly!

 

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and was thinking about various things. 

“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Johnny thought for a few second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success!

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. 

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith..."

Two old friends met for the first time in several years. They had a good talk and one asked, "Is your wife still as pretty as ever?"
"She sure is," the other replied. "It just takes her longer!"

 

What happens when you boil a funny bone?
It becomes a laughing stock.

A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The Attorney said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The Farmer said, "No, I got a BMW."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my BMW."
The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church every Sunday."
The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 am together."
The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal but our last kid was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

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