SATURDAY JOKES - 155

 

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So, he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic summons in the mail; all for not wearing a seat-belt!

 

Simon: How were the examination questions?
Peter: Easy.
Simon: Then why do you look so unhappy?

Peter: The questions didn’t give me any trouble - just the answers!

  

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.
"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that long!"

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”

The husband answered: “Wait a second, my love, let me at least explain what happened.”

“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse in her attire so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”

“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

 

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 
"Yes, of course," she replied. 
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

A third-grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.
Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”.

“That's wonderful, Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane.

“Very good, Jane. Okay, Johnny, what does your daddy do?”.

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny.

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that, Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet!”

 

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands!

 

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her there, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart!" 

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