Two
Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic
escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not
the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted
out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his
hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the
finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only
the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose
wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:"Nice
going Patrick! Now we to have to pee in the boat."
A local priest and a pastor
were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying,
"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and
showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the
sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden, they heard a
big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "I
think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead!"
Bad
Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were
there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going
on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat
first!"
On her way back from the concession stand, Sandra asked the
man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute
ago?"
Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you
did."
Sandra nodded, "Oh, good.
Then this is my row!"
The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favourite
mistress would soon die.
Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was
outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the
woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command:
"Prophet, tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that
the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he
gave.
So, he said, finally, "I
do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die
three days later!"
A man
drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this, the wife wants him to quit, so she gets
2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.
She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait
box there too.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm
in the water, it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm
dies.
She says "so what do you have to say about this
experiment?"
He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY, I WON'T GET WORMS!"
There were these two elderly
people living in a mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had
known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community
supper in the big activity centre. These two were at the same table, across
from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her
and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and
precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes,
I will."
The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they
went to their respective places.
The next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or
did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and
called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as
he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little
more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry
me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes,
yes, I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called because I couldn't remember who had asked me!"
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