No, rubbish has no religion

 

 The lawyer GK Ganesan, in his latest article, asked the question: “Does our rubbish have a religion?”

No, it doesn’t, but I have truly lost faith.

I must confess that for a long time now, I’ve harboured thoughts of being a stand-up comedian. I figured out that it would be the nicest way to keep my sanity when everyone else around me was losing theirs, just thinking about our politics and our politicians - all of them.

But every time I’m all set to launch my new career, a smug politician with a silly grin on his face beats me to it by opening his mouth and saying something stupid while looking clever.

Like “I love rubbish”, or in Animal Farm fashion, insist, “All rubbish is equal, but some are more equal than others”.

The rubbish bin of history

This time, it was different. They actually said they had a detailed plan that shows not all rubbish is the same, though they are equal; that there is rubbish and there is rubbish, and that rubbish is a reflection of who we truly are as a people.

It made me ask myself what the difference really is between trash and rubbish.

Now I know, thanks to artificial intelligence.

Trash is American. The British are all for rubbish. Just look at their country now.

I actually prefer garbage to either of the two. Besides, only garbage can produce garbage juice. Have you heard of rubbish juice? Or trash mash? That makes me wonder whether garbage juice is alcoholic… never mind.

We must really give it to the Americans when it comes to terms and idioms. In Malaysia, an intruder in your house has committed a break-in. But in America, it’s called a home invasion.

Any wonder they are responsible for more invasions than all the rest of the world put together? Never mind again.

But the Americans are simply no match for the Russians when it comes to revolutions, despite all the hype about 1776 and how real-world history began only then.

Leon Trotsky famously coined a phrase that is still in use now during the October Revolution of 1917, when fighting the opponents of Bolshevism.

“You are bankrupts; your role is played out. Go where you belong - into the rubbish bin of history”, thundered Trotsky at his opponents.

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How I long to stand outside the houses of all those who came up with this latest “rubbish plan” and shout the very same words, staring daggers at their rubbish bins!

The sharp-eyed and well-read among you will say that Trotsky actually used the term “dustbin of history”, not rubbish bin.

Sorry, I don’t speak Russian, and besides, I just heard a voice from the heavens whisper into my ears: “First it was quarrelling over rubbish, and now it’s about bins. Enough is enough!”

Lots of talk, not much walk

But to return to the rubbish in my bin, apart from delaying my standup debut, I’m also angry with our politicians for another reason.

They are all titans with words but pygmies in deeds, which convinces me that they will be happy to turn us into a nation of Tom Thumbs with brains to match theirs.

This is very insulting. At least Napoleon called the British a nation of shopkeepers. Some countries have been called a nation of yes-men. Even worse still, there are countries that are called corrupt to the core.

Does it ring a bell? No, not low church bells on shoplots but Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov’s “ring a saliva bell”.

The only thing worse than being called a nation of Tom Thumbs is to be called a nation of rabid racists. Never mind that poor Thumb was British to the core, although he was born in the folklore era circa 1650, well before they colonised us.

But whatever, it was they who insisted we not throw rubbish into the nearest river or burn it in a hole.

I know the ardent nationalists will say my reference to Thumb reflects my colonial mindset, but look, even PAS parliamentarians have been happy for many years now pretending Westminster has come to town like the circus every now and then without showing any sign of wanting them to go home anytime soon.

For their sake, may I remind the House, Tuan Speaker, that the Nusantara has its own version of Thumb called Si Kelingking. Same-same but different.

And just in case someone takes offence at what I just said, Si Kelingking aka Tom Thumb is not Indian, although we too experience more than our fair share of adventure and oppression. We are generally taller people. Thank You.

But all is not lost to rubbish. In its latest press release, the Malaysian Bar welcomed the robust discussions at the recently concluded “Forum on Freedom of Information” leading up to an Act on the same matter.

They reiterated that transparency in governance is the foundational hallmark of civilised, functioning democracy.

I intend to lay my hands on the deliberations of the Selangor exco on their rubbish plans under this soon-to-be-passed Act at the first opportunity.

Then, like the American comedian Groucho Marx, I will look them in the eye and say: “From the moment I picked up your plans, and until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.” - Mkini

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MURALE PILLAI is a former GLC employee. He runs a logistics company.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.