Dealing with workplace racism

 

Growing up, I was accustomed to my father’s remarks about being an Indian and how adversely that has impacted his career growth. In four decades of his career, this was a constant and recurring theme.

As a teenager, I used to get into arguments with my dad precisely based on this. I mean, I knew that racism against Indians was a known occurrence but surely it could not have impacted him and consumed him with this much rage for so long.

Why can’t he just move past it and accept that not everyone is racist or using his race to get him? Almost all our arguments ended with me vehemently exclaiming that I am living in a ‘different’ generation where racism is just not as big of an issue as when he was a young adult.

Sure, growing up, I was used to the remarks about my skin colour, not being allowed to touch another’s belongings at school because I was ‘dirty’, being summoned as the ‘Apunene’ that will kidnap Chinese kids if they misbehave and all of the backhanded compliments of "you’re smart for an Indian" or "you’re pretty for an Indian".

While in hindsight these were truly awful, I accorded a lot of those occurrences to one-off situations. I mean, unfortunately, there are racists here and there, but I predominantly felt pretty safe in my urban bubble. 

Despite being a little more exposed to a broader lens of race, gender and social-economic status and its impact on one's experiences throughout college, I remained quite hopeful (naïve) and excited for the next phase in my life: my first job as a working adult.

Five years later, here I am. A completely changed, extremely pessimistic, consumed with self-doubt, the shell of a person that I was. And in an ironic twist of events, I feel like I’ve come full circle and just like my father, grapple with the new forms of blatant or subtle racism that I might face at work every day.

I was initially extremely apprehensive about writing this. For one, I did not want to sound like I was blaming racism for all my personal shortcomings and correspondingly how I fared in my career. I also know and understand that race and identity is something so subjective.

Despite my issues in dealing with racism, I must admit that I am deeply privileged in so many aspects (I am a relatively lighter-skinned Indian and I understand and admit that this has given me a lot more opportunities. 

I went to an Ivy and we all know that many often equate elitism for character and smartness – more than one would care to admit). Yet, after careful thought, I choose to write this primarily as a gift and release for myself.

Racism at my job gave me PTSD (and I am still dealing with the effects of it). I spent my first three years of my job in a team that constantly made comments about my race. That would always leave me out of work opportunities.

I was literally made to sit in a room and ‘guard belongings’ as they went for lunch. Remarks were constantly made about not wanting to work with Indians, about how they smelled, how ‘unprofessional’ Indians looked or behaved. Every day was a lesson for me in all the ways one could be racist towards me.

Needless to say, that blatant racism was easy to condemn. Even as I explained to my friends and other colleagues, many would immediately know and vehemently oppose my teammates’ behaviour. I was fortunate enough that after three years, I managed to leave that toxic environment to another department.

While I am extremely grateful for the switch, I started to realise the bigger and more dangerous enemy (at least in my opinion): structural racism and hidden biases.

I used to constantly equate the behaviour of my ex-teammates as just the racist antics of the select few but even as I switched to a seemingly ‘modern’, relatively ‘liberal’ and younger department within the organisation, the subtle biases were everywhere.

Performance review cycles were particularly difficult. I have spent five years across four different supervisors who all gave me the same ‘glowing’ reviews, but not once have I been met with commensurate validation on paper to justify the verbal review.

All my efforts to understand the gap in order to improve myself was often just reduced to the lack of more 'visible' opportunities assigned to me. I’ve had numerous discussions with supervisors that basically goes like this, “It’s not you, it’s just that this year we had clear direction from the top to cap the number of exceptional performers at…” so on and so forth.

As I’ve mentioned before, this is in no way me thinking that I am the greatest or being entitled to exceptional ratings, but I often feel as if after five years of going through the same motions and the inability to obtain an explanation as to what was missing has made me question how big of a role race has played in these decisions.

This is particularly difficult to prove, especially when I believe that so many of the reasons people equate to someone as not being as worthy of validation in a professional setting are rooted in innate and subconscious biases. There have been countless times where I have received lesser rewards or appraisal compared to a teammate for the exact output produced by me and another teammate.

Every time in meetings, I try my best to appear as small or as unnoticeable as possible. I laugh it off when people butcher or make fun of how difficult it is to figure out Indian names or when there is yet another presentation stereotyping Indians as the ‘thugs’ or ‘gangsters’ in which financial institutions will need to deploy extra precautionary measures to not ‘defraud’ the banks.

In the extremely rare times when I am in a meeting with another Indian, I often am on edge and cringe at their every demeanour and pronunciation because I am scared that they are ‘ruining’ the reputation for all Indians: “Ugh they are just perpetuating the stereotype that Indians are unprofessional or have a funny accent.”

I’d have to ensure if another Indian lady has spoken or has taken up ‘too much’ space, I hold my thoughts and opinions in fear of validating everyone’s stereotypes as Indians being too aggressive. There are just too many little nuances and instances that I will never be able to make another understand if you’re not on the receiving end of racism.

Racism is constant. Racism is an overwhelming part of my day. Racism sucks. The subtlety of it and the implicit biases suck even more. I am constantly questioning my realities: Did that just happen or was that in my head? Am I overthinking it? Maybe I do indeed deserve all that’s happened to me?

Almost everyone who’s known me from my childhood, high school and college are constantly shocked that the default thought that comes to me as I navigate life now is, “Why bother?”.

Five years of being gaslighted with not a single supervisor being able to truly admit and address my reality as an Indian woman in the organisation is painful.

There is a special kind of hopelessness in knowing that no matter what you try, you’ll only ever get so far because of your race and there is nothing that I can do about it no matter how proactive I am.

As I went through therapy the whole of last year, I had to dissect all parts of my life to figure out the core of what triggers these feelings of unworthiness most. I never thought it would be work, but here I am. Racism has destroyed so much of my hopes and dreams for my career. As I reflect now, I am heartbroken at just how crushing the racism that my father faced daily must have been for him.

It’s easy for someone to think of racism not being as big of an issue in relatively ‘progressive’ settings but it is much harder to truly acknowledge just how extensive ones racial privilege runs and impacts all aspects of one's life.

In the course of writing this and wanting to put a stop to my years of feeling gaslighted, I reached out to a dozen of Indians in professional settings, some close friends, some acquaintances and some strangers (introduced by friends) and every single one of them could relate on such a personal level. It is heartbreaking.

As I have previously mentioned, there is no way for me to possibly capture and caveat all the nuances and conflicting experiences of people out there. But this is my story and we have to start somewhere. Every morning, I force myself to look in the mirror and tell myself that “I am valid”, “I am worthy”, “I have so much to offer”.

Racism has such an evil way of taking away so much from you. I hope to leave with a reminder for all those who think they’re doing enough just by not being racist that structural racism runs too deep and not being blatantly racist is just not enough. I’d urge you to re-examine your biases and truly question what it means to be an ally. - Mkini

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The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor, M and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.