SUNDAY JOKES - 79

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution, and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. 

The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.
“No,” moaned the man. “SICK!”

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack. "This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter. "Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. "We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
A: 'Claws!'

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!

Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back!

What Does She Really Mean:-

I need = I want.
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to do.
I'm not upset = Of course, I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 100 pairs are simply the wrong shade.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
Yes = No.
No = No.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Of course, I'm yelling, this is important!

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