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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Getting to the root of matrimonial failure

islamic law
Malay divorces hit an all-time high, forming 82 percent of the total divorces in this country.
It is a cliché that divorce, in any community, is the most stressful experience a spouse could have gone through in his or her life. I must admit in my forty-three years of blissful married life I have no experience to speak of on this social malaise. But based on the experiences of relatives and friends who have the misfortune to go through the ordeal of this social stigma, I would certainly not choose to go through this traumatic experience myself.

I do choose, however, to explore the matter to get to the root cause of this matrimonial failure. In dealing with such a lengthy and elaborate subject there are bound to be omissions of details to get to the basic issues. Such a situation is very much regretted. For all its shortcomings, this article would have served its objectives: that of drawing readers' attention to a serious social problem.

Shocking as it may sound, Malay divorces have hit an all-time high, forming 82 percent of the total divorces in this country. There is a Muslim divorce every 15 minutes. This is real and factual. In this respect, all indications point to the fact that Muslim divorces have shaken the foundation of marriage as a vital family institution.

One would want to know why this is the case, and rightly so. Such a phenomenon is cause for serious worry because Malaysia is down with a very serious marital break-up of epidemic proportions, particularly in the Malay Muslim community.

Policymakers, social workers, religious leaders, academics and thinkers should put their heads together to address the issue of a maladjusted family situation such as this because it would have a far reaching repercussion in the future of our nation.

Polygamy as one of the stumbling blocks to a harmonious marriage

Jabatan Kemajuan Islam Malaysia (Jakim) or the Malaysian Islamic Development Department, has come up with a long list of causes of Malay/Muslim divorces as follows: irreconcilable differences which Jakim defines as “being disrespectful towards spouses”, communication problems, extramarital sex, selfishness, psychological issues, irresponsible spouses, domestic violence, prolonged separation between husband and wife (spouses living apart for a long time separated by great geographical distance, e.g. wife in Kuching, Sarawak with dependent children and husband working and living in Kangar, Perlis), social and financial problems, third party interference, religious background and cultural differences.

Jakim did not, however, mention polygamy as an issue. That, I feel, could fall under “third party interference”.

As we all know, Muslim men, by virtue of Islamic marriage law, are allowed four wives simultaneously. Historical records show that polygamy dates back to pre-Islamic times, i.e., during the time of Moses and that of Solomon (Genesis 29: 16-30). The advent of Islam did nothing to alter such a practice.

Although there are a number of important preconditions to be strictly fulfilled before a man could marry one or two more wives, many Muslims themselves (men and women) regard polygamy as a very telling factor that leads to Muslim divorces. Such individuals have serious misgiving about polygamy. In their opinion it's time this marital practice is abolished. Many more Muslims in this country share their views.

But because this is a sensitive subject, even the syariah court takes a position that, for the time being, anything that has to do with polygamy is to remain status quo. In a society of silent culture, this issue is hushed up and, for obvious reasons, few would have the will or courage to openly advocate abolishing polygamy.

Marriage according to Islam

Prophet Muhammad is reported to have said that “Marriage is my Sunnah (way of life), and those that do not follow this way of life are not my followers”. He also said that “There is no place of mockery in Islam”.

azlanMuslims should regard the sanctity of marriage as a religious duty. To treat this holy matrimonial covenant frivolously and superficially is to make a mockery of Islam. The Holy Prophet regards Nikkah (marriage) as an Ibadah (a prayer, a good deed and devotion to Allah).

The purposes of Muslim marriage between a man and woman of eligible age and of sound mind and body are (1) the restraint of sexual passion, (2) the ordering of domestic life, (3) the care and responsibility towards one's spouse and children, (4) the expansion of family and (5), the upbringing of children in accordance with Islamic teaching (Holy Quran 46:15).

Of course, in Muslim marriage there shall be a proposal and the acceptance of it. The proposals of marriage are tied to agreements on a dowry (a gift by the family of the groom to the family of the bride) and the mahar or mas kahwin (a marriage gift by the groom to the bride), etc.

The myth of talaq divorce in Muslim marriage

The myth about divorce in Islam, especially among non-Muslims in Malaysia, is this: a Muslim man may dissolve his marriage at any time by saying to his wife three times: “I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you”.

This Triple Talaq pronouncement is commonly known in this country as “Talaq Tiga” (talaq means divorce), signifying the final pronouncement to dissolve a marriage. By pronouncing the talaq three times as above, a man would have divorced his wife. Is that all? It's that easy!

No, that's not all, and it's not that easy! The actual fact is this: any time within a marriage some problems may arise. The husband decides to divorce his wife (or the wife decides to divorce her husband). The most important question is how he divorces his wife.

Is the pronouncement of the talaq three times (Talaq Tiga), or in some cases, the use of the text messaging system (SMS), or a divorce pronouncement via the email valid? As a matter of fact, Talaq divorce is strongly condemned within Islam.

It is important to understand that talaq was never recommended by the Holy Prophet Muhammad. The triple pronouncement of talaq has been banned in the following modern and progressive Muslim countries: Algeria, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Tunisia and Turkey, a fact that could be useful and of interest to Malaysia in the light of progress and the modernisation of Islam in those nations.

Council of wisdom, arbitration and reconciliation

It is provided in the Holy Quran that: “If the fear of Shiqaq (breach) between the Twain, appoint two arbiters, one from his family and the other from hers, if they wish for peace Allah will cause their reconciliation” (Holy Qur'an 4:35). In case of difficulties within a marriage that the husband and the wife cannot solve by themselves, it is mandatory that each shall appoint an arbiter or a conciliator to resolve the matter.

Arbitration and reconciliation councils (bureaus) in many Muslim countries are set up in towns and villages. They play a very important role and are extremely active in that they provide the necessary services to couples with troubled marriage. Council members working hard using their arbitration and reconciliation expertise have been able to save many a potential broken marriage in these countries.

Some of these bureaus are staffed entirely by women lawyers, counsellors and family guidance experts. That sort of a set-up, if we have not had it established here, is just what we need. It could be useful to render the kind of service women (and men) seeking arbitration and counselling need to solve their marital problems.

The sanctity of Muslim marriage misunderstood

A caveat is in order here before going any further with the analysis of Muslim marriage failures in Malaysia, in case there may be those who hold the view that Islam is weak and its edicts on marriage leave plenty of loopholes. Hence, the ease with which spouses could abandon their marriage vows, obligations and responsibilities and enter into a divorce. Such a perception is far from the truth.

In actual fact, Islam's wayward followers, being ignorant of its true teaching and are morally corrupt, wanting to have their own ways, have lost faith (iman) in their religion. Such characters would have no hesitation to break marriage vows and marriage obligations. They cannot hold to their commitments, or stick to principles and the ethical standard of married life.

NONEThere is evidence that the neglect of Islamic teaching among Muslims often lead to ignorance and misunderstanding about the sanctity of marriage in Islam. Datuk Dr Mashitah Ibrahim (left), a deputy minister in the Prime Minister's Department (an ustazah herself) was reported as saying: “If they can't even perform their five daily prayers, imagine how hard it is for them to carry out their duties and roles as husbands and wives”.

How true! A shallow, frivolous understanding about the religion and about marriage obligations is a major factor in Muslim divorces. But those who have gone through the divorce put the blame on the stresses and strains of modern life. They say that living in a major city such as Kuala Lumpur on a meagre income and a high cost of living is bound to cause stress and strain in a marriage.

A syariah lawyer, Halimatunsa'diah Abu Ahmad, maintains that theFacebook social networking site is often the cause of marriage break-ups. On that, here is what Ms Halimatunsa'diah has to say: “For every five divorce cases I see, two to three would have been caused by Facebook. That is where they rekindle their relationships with their first lovers or sweethearts.”

The above discussion on marriage and divorce, brief as it is, has highlighted some important issues pertaining to marriage and divorce in Islam. An awareness of marriage obligations as prescribed in Islam among fellow Muslims will definitely be a step in the right direction in view of the current divorce rate which seems to be unabated.

Divorces destroy the family institution

We all know that the consequences of a divorce often lead to numerous social ills, particularly among a majority of children of divorced parents. Children are our nation's most important assets, our nation's future capital investment. Even the children know that divorce is a disgrace to the family.

More often than not, children of divorced parents have lost their self-esteem. In many cases, they become maladjusted facing all sorts of social problems as they go on in life: they are sleepy in class, they lag behind their peers in their studies at school, they are likely to have anxiety, they are easily misled into the traps of bad company.

That is when they are at their weakest and most vulnerable. They begin to experiment in all kinds of activities that offer immediate gratification such as over indulgence in cigarette smoking, illicit sex, prostitution, taking dangerous drugs, etc. Over time they become hard core addicts in drug abuse and other vices.

They often become wayward, falling into the clutches of crime kingpins because they have become distraught, having lost proper direction and guidance from parents who are helplessly bogged down, completely consumed and preoccupied with their own divorce problems to the total neglect of their parental responsibilities. In the long run society suffers and has to pay for their sins.

The future is bleak in the area of quality human capital if society keeps on producing this sort of children who have lost the compass of life, misguided and maladjusted by the absence of proper parental care and upbringing. What we have on hand is, indeed, a major societal problem, the problem of many maladjusted children created by divorced parents. Such is the outcome of uncontrolled divorces.

Attempts must be made at all levels by all concerned to come to the rescue. Help is badly needed by problem parents and problem children from divorced families in the Muslim community. Wisdom, knowledge and understanding will definitely promote a more peaceful and harmonious family relationship.

Each and everyone must play an active and positive role to curb the high rate of family break-ups and preserve family unity among troubled Muslim marriages in Malaysia.

The Women, Family and Community Development Ministry should incorporate this issue in its ministerial KPI and KNRA to deserve immediate and urgent attention and seek remedial measures. JAKIM and other Islamic welfare organisations must do more than just provide a laundry list of causes.

The statistics do not lie. The facts and figures are laid bare before us. We have a very serious Muslim matrimonial failure before us that needs immediate and urgent fixing.

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