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Thursday, December 18, 2014

TO BECOME PM! All Ibrahim Ali wants for Christmas...

TO BECOME PM! All Ibrahim Ali wants for Christmas...
This is a work of fiction. This is about Ibrahim Ali — who is more facetious than fictitious, unfortunately. While there are many Ibrahims in the world, and on the same token as many Alis walking the breadth of the planet, there is only one Ibrahim Ali in the galaxy.
OK, perhaps there are others, but there is only one — the special one — who is a former MP, ex-PAS member, axed Umno member and grand-duke of the Pasir Mas Annual Cross-dressing Parade. OK, the last one was made up — I did say this is a work of fiction.
I defend the galaxy notion because if there is life out there it must be fairly advanced and won’t allow far-right politicians who pride themselves in being wrong all the time. Or at least make them taller. So you see, we the human species have Ibrahim all to ourselves. Him and Perkasa -- the Malay ultra-right-wing organisation which only pales in the shadow of its megalomaniac president.
Anyway, it’s Christmas, and it’s the time for giving. So even naughty boys like Ibrahim deserve to be treated. But since I am not privy to the internal workings of the complex and layered mind of Ibrahim which probably revolves around “Who shall I blame for my lack of appeal today?”, we shall form a list of gifts which we think he’d want, or rather should want.
His fans would demand it. So many follow his travails and comment about him, especially his amphibious qualities in politics, that they simply need a list to decide on what to get him for Christmas. Don’t thank us Ibrahim, the year would pass so much slower without you around.
No Christmas
It’s mid-December and probably difficult to stop Quasimodo climbing the local church bell tower, and near impossible to block off cable TV’s holiday programming, so we’ll just have to send Ibrahim somewhere there is no Christmas.
I’m thinking Golok. So much going for it: Southern Thailand, next to his Kelantan, filled with Kelantanese, no flash mobs breaking into “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” and “outlets” with Buddhist girls and Muslim men. It would be much easier to find a bomb or Singha beer than a crucifix.
He likes to burn books? There’ll be monks who’ll smile at his insults, forgive him and set themselves ablaze to show him how you really do protests. A real lawatan-sambil-belajar (study tour) for our all-action man.
Platform shoes
Ibrahim is fine with anyone challenging him, but he goes ape-crazy when his opponents seek to see him eye to eye. Ibrahim has to head to the nearest primary school to meet 11-year-olds who are his height, so that they can see eye to eye.
Yes, he tries to compensate with decibel level, but only because no one has raised him from his bootstraps. Help him reduce his hypertension in 2015, get him platform shoes, lift him up to where he belongs. Sure, it’s very 1970s, which would be about the time he would have been strutting around the UiTM Shah Alam campus. It’s worth the price, better men have said they could use a few more inches — better women too.
The Ibrahim Ali University
If Mormons can have Brigham Young University, capitalists their Vanderbilt University — and even a businessman fixated with all things black with his own Cyberjaya campus — , then it is only apt we have the Ibrahim Ali University.
Make Perkasa happy and give Malaysians tertiary education, was there ever a better win-win?
Since education cuts are only going to escalate in 2015 with lower oil prices and a weaker ringgit, then the logical — I’m laughing in the inside using Perkasa and logic in the same column — choice is that an existing university changes name.
Bill Perkasa for new signboards and batch design. Crowdsource for free its new motto — I’ve a whole Facebook friends-list who’d skive at work to contribute.
There may be a major drop in enrollment, since intolerant Malaysians may not want to carry a scroll with Ibrahim’s name, but I am sure Perkasa members can fill up the shortfall — after they lower the entry requirement to having read a pamphlet in the last five years.
So do write to your MP to ask them to make this happen.
A PhD
If Ibrahim can’t have his own university (oh the injustice!) then let him have a doctorate in philosophy so that he gets some academic credentials to back the filth he spouts.
This is going to be much cheaper. You only have to help him sign up for a course to learn how to use the Internet so that he can sign up for a fake PhD online course.
Or you can volunteer to do the sign-up for him. Live vicariously as Ibrahim Ali online, complete the programme and give him the diploma, and see that smile on his face. Caution: He might not smile as much if you look suspiciously Chinese. He’s been in Umno before, so he won’t suspect Tamils to be actually Tamils.
An ultra-ranking index
Six years ago life was much easier, things were easy to know. If you mean right-wing that’s Umno, and if you want ultra-right-wing (like extra hot sauce over just well “hot sauce”) then it’s Perkasa. Umno wants every Malay to mistrust every Malaysian who is not Malay, while Perkasa wants every Malay to hate every Malaysian who is not Malay.
But those simpler days are over. Everyone is trying edge into Ibrahim’s turf. Isma (Malaysian Muslim Solidarity), Persatuan Gabungan Melayu Islam Pulau Pinang, Malay Muslim Lawyers Association, West Malaysian Malay Teachers’ Congress and Jati were among the 300 NGOs at last month’s National Unity Convention. They want to be the next hate gurus.
Ibrahim is at risk of being overtaken by some organisation’s leader who can hate far better than him, scream far louder than him and frankly taller than him.
The performance of ultra-right-wing groups should be evaluated and ranked, like membership, rallies and numbers of books threatened to be burnt. Ibrahim’s 500,000 members should not be belittled by any Johnny come lately.
It’s time to collect random data, set up a website and claim anything you want. In truth, it is like pretending to be a Perkasa member for a day.
Get Ibrahim 25 prominent friends
Christmas is also the loneliest time of the year. In the way Ibrahim fired salvo after salvo at the 25 ex-senior civil servants, on the face of it, it looks like he is upset.
But maybe he’d just trying to reach out, telling us he also needs friends, prominent friends. He’s reaching out dammit!
Friends don’t have to be the same, they just have to respect each other and preferably be prominent. Can you this Christmas, as a gift, find Ibrahim Ali a prominent friend? My contact is listed here, do forward names or suggest in the comment space.
Between us I am sure we can find him good mates — who are also prominent!
Lunch with Khairy
I’m sure Ibrahim was laughing himself wet watching the telly during the Umno general assembly. Seeing youth chief Khairy Jamaluddin throwing threats at imaginary enemies would have cracked him up.
He’d say to himself, you call that a threat? Seriously? Syed Jaafar Albar used to piss on Singapore Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew in the good old day, now that’s a proper threat! That’s a youth chief. Even Hishammuddin did not look too effeminate during his time because he had props.
Even if he said that, it is not fair to consign Khairy to the category of a youth chief not menacing enough. Let’s be constructive.
For this Christmas, buy the two of them lunch at a venue befitting a Umno leader’s lifestyle. Give Ibrahim the chance to mentor Khairy for the day, so he can learn from the master. Khairy has Zahid Hamidi ahead in the pecking order so he has to pick his game up in the stoking tension game. Let Ibrahim be Yoda to Khairy’s Luke Skywalker. (We’ll be casting Bubba the Hutt soon, suggestions most welcome)
In this remake, hate does indeed lead to the dark side, but that’s the happy ending.
Make him a music video
It is a failsafe choice. These songs might make the video work:
Tears for Fears “Shout”; Aretha Franklin’s “R.E.S.P.E.C.T”; Culture Club’s “Karma Chameleon” and my personal favourite, Destiny’s Child “Bootylicious”
Don’t worry if your gift looks like a primary six school project, it’s the thought that counts.
Anyway… all he really wants
Before I forget, merry Christmas everyone! Don’t get yourselves all in a knot over what is being said all over the country. It’s time for family and reflection, even for Senor Ibrahim.
Though I do think, if I did get into the complex and layered mind of Ibrahim Ali, what he really wants for Christmas is me — and other liberals on a boat in the Pacific with no supplies and one of the music videos made for him playing over and over in the background.
But we’ll be laughing, top that! - Malay Mail

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