(photo above unrelated to post - just to show Indian family)
I grew up in a close-knit family of my breadwinner mother and four siblings.
I find it utterly amazing how in the Indian community, relatives – at least from my experience – reign over family matters, right after the wife loses her husband. In medieval times, perhaps my community thought a woman's place is meant to be in the kitchen and that she's incapable of making her own decisions.
Respect inevitably is a two-way journey. I don't quite remember my mother, fidgeting or even complaining over any sort of difficulty to my relatives.
But the way my relatives, particularly my dad's side, sees her is as if she's incapable of making her own living and being able to stand on her own feet. The patriarchy, of which I’ve been challenging all along my teenage years, seems so apparent in my own family, and I’ve no idea how to overcome it.
Just yesterday, my mum and my other siblings returned from a short visit to my uncle’s place. To my surprise, they were humiliated in ways I could have never imagined.
They were asked about the number of vehicles my mum had, the gross income my mother made, my sister’s personal lives and, of course, how I’d been doing – in the most insincere way, and since I’m doing extremely well, the change of tone followed.
Funnily and astoundingly though, all the while, I can never recall a phone call, asking how well we are. I can never recall my mum requesting any monetary help from any of my relatives.
All these years, I can never recall my mum interrogating other relatives with similar private personal questions. I also, do not recall these occurrences when my dad was around.
What made them think that it’s all right to interfere and to intervene and give unsolicited advice?
What made them think, that being a single mother, she isn’t capable of doing things that presumably women won’t do?
What superiority allows one to lord over another individual and probe us with the most personal questions? If I remember correctly, none of my uncles or aunts is a lawyer or banker.
The aunt who asked my mother all these questions was only an SPM leaver. Are we all running on substantial questions to be catechised? Are we all not just happy, that despite a woman being single, there’s still food on the table for the kids to reach to, that the kids don’t go to bed in hunger? Are we genuinely happy for someone or are our intentions of interrogations coated with malice?
I won’t be quiet the next time when someone runs over my family like it’s an open space to be scrutinised. Fight and voice out the tiny injustices that happen around you. You have all the right to stand by for what you believe and demand respect that undeniably, is rightly yours.
I think, as human beings, we only exist to help one another. If handing a helping hand were that hard a job, wouldn’t wishing someone well be an easier option?
As you can see, inequality, judgmental-ness, jealousy and more debauched traits ostensibly start from home. If you want others to respect you, it’s only right for you to respect the other, too. Almost everything starts from home. Make a change, because things like these hurt, scar deep, the kind that water, with all its forgetfulness, cannot remove.
* Kumarendran Balachandran reads The Malaysian Insider.
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