ONLY HALAL CAKES, PLEASE

A halal cake is not only about how it is made and the ingredients used but also about how it is bought and how you paid for it. If your money is not halal, such as you did not pay zakat or tax on it, or it came from illegal sources, such as bribes or criminal activities, then the cake is also not halal and certain establishments will not allow you to bring that cake in.

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

Excuse me, sir, you can’t bring outside food into these premises unless it is first certified halal.

Oh, it is only a cake. Of course it is halal.

Well, we cannot just assume that, sir. It must first be confirmed before we can allow that cake in.

It’s just a cake, for God’s sake, it does not have any pork in it.

Still, we need to determine whether it is halal. Do you have a halal certificate from JAKIM to confirm the cake is halal?

Of course I don’t. I have not seen any cake with a halal Jakim certificate yet so far.

Okay, never mind. Let us go through the questionnaire and check list and I am sure we will be able to get to the bottom of it.

Okay.

Now, I see that your cake is promoting a gay lifestyle. That is not halal.

My cake is not promoting a gay lifestyle. What gave you that idea?

Well, your cakes does have gay colours.

This is not gay colours. This is a rainbow cake. It is supposed to be many colours.

It looks like gay colours.

Well it is not gay colours. It is the colour of a rainbow. My five-year old daughter loves rainbows and that is why I got her a rainbow cake, not because my five-year old daughter is gay.

Okay, we will take your word for it…for now. So your cake does not have any liquor in it or something intoxicating?

Of course not, it is a children’s birthday party.

Alright, and how did you buy your cake? Cash of using credit card?

What difference does it make whether I paid cash or using credit card?

A lot of difference. If you paid by credit card that means it involves interest and therefore the cake is not halal.

Okay, I paid cash, alright?

That’s fine. And you have the receipt for your cake that shows you paid cash?

I don’t. Who the hell keeps the receipt for a cake they bought cash? But I paid cash, okay?

Okay, we will take your word for it. Now, since you paid cash, is that cash halal?

What?

Is your cash halal? If not then the cake will not be halal.

Of course my cash is halal. Paper money is not made from animal fat.

It is in the UK. So the UK £5 is not halal.

Well, the money I used is not made from animal fat. It is made from trees.

Okay, and the cash is halal then.

Of course it is. I just told you.

Not all cash is halal. Many people use cash because they avoid paying tax of is is bribery money and so on. So chances are the cash is not halal unless it is declared and is not from bribery or criminal activities.

How the hell can I prove how I got the money?

Do you have your income tax statement.

Income tax statement? Whatever for?

So that we can see your income and determine whether you are declaring all your earnings or whether you are under-declaring your income.

How are you going to determine that?

Well, we will match it against your house value and the car you drive. Then we will know whether your cash is halal or not.

This is getting very ridiculous. Why not I just put the cake back in the car and forget about the whole thing.

Yes, I think that might be a good idea, sir. By the way, we also sell rainbow cakes in case you still want it for your daughter. And ours is confirmed halal.

Yeah, right, and do you still want to certify whether my income is halal before you accept my money for the cake?

I am sure we can trust you if you say your money is halal. After all under Islam we are not supposed to be suspicious or was-was, is that not so?

Sigh…whatever. Just get me the damn cake.