'No mother should go through what I went through'

INTERVIEW | M Indira Gandhi did not have to say how exhausted she was, for her fatigue was apparent from the weariness etched under her eyes.

No one could blame her for it. Her near decade-long battle for her children only ended last week, with the Federal Court nullifying the unilateral conversions of her children to Islam.

As Indira hurriedly took a seat during a press conference in Ipoh last Saturday with her lawyer, Ipoh Barat MP M Kulasegaran, and DAP parliamentary leader Lim Kit Siang, the mother of three apologised for being late, informing Lim that she was in the midst of moving house.

In an interview with Malaysiakini later, Indira admitted that the barrage of phone calls from the media asking for her response to comments made by other quarters in relation to the case hasn’t helped with the exhaustion.

"These past few days have been very tiring for me," she said.

Naturally, the past nine years have also taken their toll; not just for Indira, but for her children as well.

"Their growing process has never been a sweet one. There are a lot of mixed feelings, we are happy but at the same time sad that (her youngest daughter) Prasana Diksa is not with us.

"Till today, our lives have not settled down."

Whereabouts unknown

Although a week has passed since the Federal Court's decision, the whereabouts of Indira's ex-husband Muhammad Riduan Abdullah and Prasana remain unknown.

Riduan (photo) had unilaterally converted their three children following his conversion to Islam in 2009.

He also took Prasana, then just an 11-month-old infant, with him. Indira has since then seen Prasana, only once, at a solitary court proceeding when her daughter was a year and six months old.

When Indira started this journey to nullify her children’s conversion to Islam, she always felt that as much as winning was a possibility, the odds of losing were far greater.

"I knew what the consequences were, but for me my children are more important, their safety is more important. It's all about my children."

The kindergarten teacher admitted that she even fell into depression in the midst of it all.

So she is particularly grateful of the support from her other two children, parents, siblings and relatives, as well as Kulasegaran (left, in photo below).

"Many times I was very depressed with the court rulings and people sometimes say my children should be Muslim, all these things really got me into depression.

"But I think many people prayed for us, that kept me going."

Single-handedly raising her daughter Tevi Darsiny and Karan Dinish, who are now 21 and 20 respectively, Indira admitted that things have not been easy.

"It's very difficult, but my family has been there to help me out.

“Whenever I'm in court for the proceedings, my mother would follow me. You have seen many times how my mum was there and my other sisters were there for me, that's how I managed.

"And many know I'm a bankrupt and it's not easy to live life with children in university."

Apart from her job as a kindergarten teacher, Indira also gives tuition classes and ferries students to school to make ends meet.

"Life has never been settled with me running here and there, while at the same time I try to find time to be with my children."

'She will know'

Despite the odds of meeting her youngest daughter in the near future looking dim, Indira keeps her fingers crossed with the hope that Prasana will one day return to her.

"She's still a young child, she doesn't know what is happening.

"But one day she will definitely know what I have done for her, so that hope keeps me going; that one day she will definitely come back.

Indira's voice started to break and her eyes welled up with tears as she described how it felt to miss her daughter.

"What I can say is that no mother should go through what I went through. I lost my child when she was only 11 months old.

"It was breastfeeding time, it is unimaginable what I went through, separated from her.

"All the bonds I missed with her. Even if I see her, I wouldn't know what the feeling will be like," she lamented.

Although Indira fought to nullify her children's conversion, this battle was never over religion.

"Put religious matters aside. Even in the past few days reporters have been hunting me on this religious matter. Put it aside first.

"As her mother, let me see Prasana first, I don't even know what she looks like now.

"Let me see how she's doing, then we'll carry on from there. What she wants, it's totally up to her."

As for her former husband, Indira said Riduan has been unreachable ever since the Court of Appeal ruled in his favour three years ago, on the matter of the conversion of their children.

"He was using one number (but) after we lost in the Court of Appeal he stopped using it, so there was no way to contact him. He hasn't contacted us at all."

According to Indira, Riduan has never made any attempt to contact his other daughter and son.

"He has never been there for them. As a father, he has never done any duty for them.

"It's is very depressing, I'm the sole breadwinner. My children are getting fed up of all this.

"(And so) the hatred is more than missing him. I never taught my children to hate their father. But he wasn't there for them, so their hatred was already there."

'Nothing to do with religion'

Despite her current predicament, Indira has nothing but praise for the judges whom she said were not biased, even though four of the five members of the Federal Court panel are Muslims.

"The judgment was very welcomed, not just by myself. It's also a relief for many people like me.

"It's not just a victory for me, for there are many people in the same situation. At least we know where we are heading now when it comes to unilateral conversions."

Right now, all she wants is for the inspector-general of police, home minister and the public to be "more considerate."

"This has nothing to do with religion, even though I'm happy my children are back as Hindus. Prasana is still missing.

"As I said again and again, no mother should go through what I went through. Be more considerate, don't make it a religious issue, this is about a mother-child bond."

While Indira has many regrets and wants to change many things that have taken place along the way, deep down she knows that doing so would be pointless, as nothing can bring back the time she was supposed to have with her daughter.

"The memories that I was supposed to have with her. These things can't be replaced.

"But we just want her back, to see her, to hold her. Whatever we have lost, we want to catch up with her," she said.

-Mkini