SUNDAY JOKES - 28

 

Morris and his wife Esther go to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". 
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 500 ringgit and 500 ringgit is 500 ringgit". 
One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." 
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 500 ringgit and 500 ringgit is 500 ringgit".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's five thousand ringgit."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know - five thousand dollars is five thousand ringgit".

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged.
"Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "but this house does not make doctor calls."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A passerby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so much.
He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. 

Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the world am I going to find a fake Jeep?"

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”

You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug-rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Thoughts to Ponder:

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why are the little Styrofoam pieces called peanuts?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?

If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?

When lightning strikes the ocean, why don't all the fishes die?

If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack, should they save him?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?

If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?

If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol if they have eaten someone who was drunk?

What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid? Are they pregnant?

If Mars had earthquakes, would they be called marsquakes?

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