THURSDAY JOKES - 51

 

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoors-men should wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoors-men to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoors-men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper. 

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Umm ... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Umm ... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Umm ... I don't know.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, but I'm also already working on a murder case!"

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry...
He had selfie steamy issues.

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"
"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.
"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.
"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"
Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

A salesman, an engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tyre. The three of them got out of the car and scratched their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tyre. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tyre you should buy."
The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? We have a spare tyre in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tyres until we find the flat one!"

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. 

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" 
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." 
So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. 
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" 
Finally, he remembers, "Amen!!" 
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God." 

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