THURSDAY JOKES - 57

 

A milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.
Says to his eldest son: "To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly terrace."
"To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the High street Plaza."
"To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices."
"And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in down town."
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!"
And the wife retorts: "Rich? Lucky?? Are you kidding??!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk!"

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life...
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why is that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they would have decided to lower the highways.”

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.
He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if it's long-distance, the distance is slightly less long. 

And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science is really working for you.

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, it's my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."

A friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancée called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.
"Okay honey", she told him, "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.
“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.
“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet - and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”
“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”
“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”
“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. 
Then one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”

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