SATURDAY JOKES - 83

 

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time. 

One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more.
Not impressed, Mr. Jones told them that in his day, every student knew the names of all the states.
From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yeah, but in those days, there were only 13!"

As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
"I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.
Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."
The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see!"

A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."

 

The real estate boss has a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

 

I phoned up the fishing helpline today. 

I said, “I’m really hopeless at fishing and need some tips."
The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?”
I said, “No.”

The doctor has just finished giving a young man a thorough physical examination.
"The best thing for you to do," the doctor said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. 

"What's second best?"

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money with specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,
“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

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