THURSDAY JOKES - 83

 

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the third couple was newly married.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome at the Ace Hardware either!"

My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account.
One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.”
Unconcerned, she whipped out her cheque book, “That's okay, I’m using rubber!”

What kind of shoes does a spy wear?

Sneakers!

Former U.S. President George Bush said he would like to see his son, then-Governor George W. Bush, in the White House.
Polls, however, indicate that the voters are fed up with the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal and do not want to see any more Bush in the White House.

I started a new job as a tailor last week.

It’s been sew-sew!

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house with a  BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favourite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" 

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary."

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around!

A brunette who can't stand blondes is walking in the forest when all of a sudden, she sees a magic lamp on the ground. Thinking to herself, "It always works in the movies," and so proceeds to pick up and rub the lamp.
A genie immediately emerges from the spout and says, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the blondes in the world will receive double the amount you receive. Do you understand?"
"Yes, I understand," says the brunette, "and for my first wish, I want you to give me an incredibly handsome man."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 incredibly handsome men?" says the genie.
The brunette replies yes and so an incredibly handsome man pops up beside her.
"For my second wish," says the pleased brunette, "I want you to give me 100 million dollars."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 200 million dollars?" said the genie.
The brunette replies yes and a large pile of money pops up on her other side.
Growing even more excited the brunette says calmly, "Lastly - you see that stick over there? I want you to beat me half to death with it."

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