TUESDAY JOKES - 115

 

Three sons left home to make their fortunes and they all did very, very well for themselves. 

They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their ageing mother. 

"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her." said the second.

"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. 

"Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. 

Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. 

But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious!"

An Irishman joined the American Air Force and was making his first parachute jump.

The instructor said, "When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the ripcord."

When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first thing he said was, "What was the name of that Indian again?"

Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?

A: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering!

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

 

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen!

Two nerds are riding along on a tandem bicycle when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off, and starts letting air out of the tires. The one on the back says: "Hey! What are you doing that for?!"The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit. "So, the one in the back has had enough. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction. Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend. "Look, mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!!"

Q: Why are men with pierced ears better suited for marriage?

A: Because they have suffered and had bought jewelry.!!!

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. 

God came in and said, "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here!"

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