TUESDAY JOKES - 181

Tapang Beach, Bachok, Kelantan, Malaysia

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold on to her brains for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. 

Obviously, Linda is a blonde!

 

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause!

 

Ever argued with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out through her nose. You know what my girl does? When she gets mad, she starts talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions!

 

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

It is two gross!

 

Computer generated voices:
Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
Yeah, nobody but us machines!
Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...and a message! You forgot about the message!
Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.....unless of course, somebody pulls out our plug!

 

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army veteran, asked "when was the last time you had sex?"
With a long pause the veteran replies: "1955 I believe."
Doctor: "Whoa! It's been a long while then?"
Veteran: Its only 20:15 right now?

 

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

 

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

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