Hippocratic oath for doctors; hypocritical oath for crooks

SATIRE | The government has ordered the systematic shutdown of the judicial system over a three-month period which will culminate in complete disbandment, with all courts of law ceasing to exist.

For a start, all judicial officers in the appellate courts have been asked to go on leave immediately pending retraining and re-posting to appropriate positions. Some are said to be going to kangaroo courts set up clandestinely by influence peddlers.

Magistrates and judges of the lower courts will follow and when the final countdown begins, there will be no necessity to maintain a judicial system.

Following the public swearing by former prime minister Najib Razak last Friday that he did not meet or give orders to kill Mongolian model Altantuya Shaariibuu, the whole facet of governance and dispensing of justice has changed.

The government has taken a cue and decided that it would save time, effort and money if all suspected felons or persons charged with crimes pronounce their innocence publicly.

After a study of Friday’s proceedings, the law minister said, the government felt it was time to do away with long and costly trials.

“Instead, we will allow anyone suspected of any crime to make a declaration of his innocence, after which he would be deemed innocent,” the minister said at a packed media conference in Putrajaya yesterday.

“We did not want a suspected money launderer and kleptocrat to set the trend without systems and safeguards in place. If everyone takes the same route blindly, then such oaths and swearing on the holy books will be tainted and the sanctity of the oath and the system will be questioned.

“Hence, the government thought that it should be proactive in formulating policies which help the public understand the lengths some people have to go when confronted with a problem,” he said.

The prison system, it has been reported, can’t cope with overcrowding and our courts have a long list of outstanding cases – some for up to five years. The government is expected to save about RM2 billion annually, which will be spent on feeding and looking after inmates in the 13 penitentiaries in the country.

To short-cut the process, the minister said, those who have been charged or being investigated will be told: claim innocence on a religious oath after which they will be deemed “free men”.

For a start, all magistrates’ courts will be converted to “confession halls” where the public can view such undertakings.

“We will have different halls for different faiths, but all of them will be presided by men of the cloth who will be trained in administering the oath, after which the suspect can disavow any connection to any offence or crime.

“We have asked leaders of all faiths to submit names for crash courses in confessions which will be held at the Palace of Justice next month. The weekend courses will go into all the nitty-gritty to ensure there will be no loopholes,” the minister added.

At the time of going to the press, sources told Malaysiakini that at least three former ministers have shown interest in taking this way out of the multiple charges they are facing.

One source said: “After Friday’s ground-breaking oath, religious authorities have been swarmed with queries and requests from a slew of characters. Many are willing to pay a premium to get to the front of the queue.”

Also in the long line are former government officials, including lawmakers who are facing charges ranging from falsifying documents to money laundering.

“Instead of allowing religious authorities to operate without boundaries, we are planning to train and register all those who administer the oath so that there won’t be abuse or misuse of the system. We also plan to franchise such operations to smaller towns and villages to settle the increasing number of cases involving poultry and animals.

“We intend to place an officer from the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission at every “confession hall” to ensure there’s no hanky-panky,” said the minister.

Taking on critics of the new system, he compared it with the medical profession: “Doctors take the Hippocratic Oath which, among others, undertakes to treat the ill to the best of one's ability, to preserve a patient's privacy and to teach the secrets of medicine to the next generation.

“Similarly, those who undertake this hypocritical oath will preserve (in their conscience) what they did or did not do until Judgment Day. It is a perfect arrangement, which is in line with the Malaysian concept of a win-win situation where no one is disadvantaged.”

But the opposition was not amused, although it would be members of its flock who would benefit most. With so many of them languishing in unemployment queues pending disposal of their cases, one would have thought that this idea would be supported.

“Not fair to bring the changes at this stage when so much has already been exposed and accused persons had to ensure all kinds of name-calling. The government is applying double standards,” said the sole member of a party in the opposition coalition.

However, the biggest support came from Mr Opposition himself who is facing four score and seven charges.

Like his speech in New York, which was interspersed with incomprehensible English language and bad pronunciation, he hastily called for a media conference which was telecast live the world over.

He spoke to the international media: “This is send (sic) by God. I very (sic) happy. Now, God listen (sic) to me. I go, (sic) I pray, I cakap (sic) I am innocent. I only want to do charity. My staff issue (sic) cheque from wrong account to pay road tax and insurance for my wife’s cars. So, I tak buat salah-lah

“God-willing, Bossku (my boss) and I will be back in action soon. Then I see you in my office in Putrajaya.”

Meanwhile, the leader of Women Always Right (WAR), an NGO for women empowerment, Rukumani Jones, created a storm when told of the new arrangements.

“All these arrangements are made for men. Why nothing for the women? Why can’t my Akka (elder sister) in the Cow and Condo case also claim innocence? Why can’t women take an oath and swear that the minister made advances and then castrate the bugger!” she screamed.

In the meantime, sources also said that two ministers have been assigned to come out with templates for the various oaths of innocence.

One source said: “The government does not want these religious fellows to have different versions which may become litigious in future. So, we need standard texts and verses so that they could be used without problems.

“In the old days, these oaths were engraved on rocks, stones or leather. With the advent of modern technology, all templates will be put together in an App that can be downloaded for free from the Apple Store.

“There will be no need to go to lawyers to draft documents. You just have to select the template, fill in the details; including the nature of offence you are charged for or being suspected off. Make the necessary adjustments, send it off and you will get a reply with the venue, date and time of your oath.

“On the appointed time, you go there and you will be given an I-Pad and can read out your oath before the public. It will be as simple as that,” said the source.

The government is keeping the full implementation date a secret, but leaked information from the minister’s office states that it would on April 1, next year.

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R NADESWARAN says the only way to drum serious issues into the heads of crooks is via satire. Comments: citizen.nades22@gmail.com - Mkini