THURSDAY JOKES - 17

The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It will keep your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy sh*t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!

You can't deny the faith of these people that we fight: it's absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, they'll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith - to think that that would happen when I haven't met one on earth.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."
Doctor: "How come?"
Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet 8 inches."

Teacher: "Class, we'll have only half a day of school today morning."
Students: "Yaaayyy!"
Teacher: "We'll have the other half this afternoon."

“What do you call a band of leaping insects playing old-time music? 

'Blue-grass Hoppers'.”

The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble. 
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So, he pulls on the ripcord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So, he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden, he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat. 
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and heads towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" 
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again. 
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. 
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."

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