SATURDAY JOKES - 25

 

Billy Bob started a new construction job on a Tuesday, worked the rest of the week and on the following Monday morning, calls his foreman. "Boss, I'm not going to make it in today...I'm sick."
He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week, and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not going to make it today...I'm sick.

The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down, and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?" 
Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her, and then we have sex." 
The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?" 
Billy Bob replies, "I told you I was sick."

Did you hear about the four walruses who decided to form a rock band? 
They have just completed their album and their first single is called, 'I Am the Beatle'.

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"?
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you are a flatterer!" she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there, sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"

The cleaning lady comes to the bank manager...
"Can you please give me the key to the safe vault?"
"What?! What for?"
"It's always so time-consuming to have to use my hairpin in order to clean it!"

A guy walks in to see his doctor, and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I just can't seem to make friends with anyone," the guy replies. "Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

A manager came up to a guy on his first day and said, I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife. And I was thinking, I'm not doing that. I'm definitely not doing it. But I thought, why just say, No! The hell with you! and get fired? That's boring. Instead, I said to him, Yeah, OK. I'll do it. Then, I didn't do it, and he came up to me later: "Did you scrape the gum off the tables? I was like, Oh, yeah, of course, I did, sure. And later, he comes up, he goes, you didn't scrape the gum off the tables? I'm like, Ah! No. Damn. Are you going to do it? Yeah, of course, I'm going to do it. The next day, I got fired.

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and they were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a “drop-dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” - “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

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