SUNDAY JOKES - 26

 

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men with twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is needed. Evidence conclusive!

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Muhammad Ali. 

Ali showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself because it would be the less painful way to die.

I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And it is gotten to the point where I think they'd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. I'm like, alright, but really, where's the loyalty, man? I've known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert by Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from the basement to the attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up. So, she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn!

 

Moe: "Where did Larry go?"
Curly: "He’s round in front."
Moe: "I know what he looks like, I just wanted to know where he went."

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

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