A poor
man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work
overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he
approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the
house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is
the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a
moment." The wife comes out.
Wife: Wow,
my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband:
Guess what? I am rich.
Wife:
How?
Husband:
I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear, and sleep on the sand,
so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got
rich fast.
Wife:
A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds
and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without
underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.
Mother: I
think our son is going to be an astronaut.
Father:
What makes you think that?
Mother:
I spoke to his teacher today. She said he is taking up space.
In October, a cleaning crew accidentally
tossed out an exhibit at the Museum of Discovery and Science in Fort
Lauderdale, Florida.
The exhibit consisted of 14,000 cigarette
butts - the amount a smoker produces in a lifetime - crammed into coffee cans.
Said the
curator, in defense of the cleaning crew, "The butts didn't smell very
good."
I think they named oranges before they named
carrots. What are these? Those are oranges.
What about these? Oh, shit. Long panties? Yes, they go by shapes now?
A young
gay man calls home and tells his mother that he has decided to go back into the
closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He
tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his
gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She
responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it
would be too much to hope that she would be Christian?"
He
tells her that not only is the girl is a Christian but is from a wealthy
Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks,
"What is her name?"
He
answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There
is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice
Catholic boy you were dating last year?"
A young
man from Sandakan moves to Kuching and goes to a big "everything under one
roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you
have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the
best Bible salesmen back in Sabah."
The
boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll
come down after we close and see how you did."
His
first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from
you today?" The kid responds, "One."
The
boss says, "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"RM
401,237.65."
"RM
401,237.65? Holy Cow! What did you sell to him?"
"First,
I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold
him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin
engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I
took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all
the bells and whistles."
"A
guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No,
the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude,
your weekend is short. You should go fishing.'"
This
fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes
to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The
dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save
yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This
chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So,
the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting
for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks
there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and
only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing
in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So,
the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and
cuts till nightfall, and still, he only manages to cut five cords.
The
man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one
hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the
dealer," the man says to himself.
The
very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the
problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the
case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then
the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that
noise?
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down
memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café,
the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years
ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gasworks, and I gave
you one from behind."
"Why,
yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well,
for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind.
The
two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to
them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be
quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady
pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The
old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady
reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic
sex the man had ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old
woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying
everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well,
the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to
this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting
on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret.
If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The
two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed. Plucking up
courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He
says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,
particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years
ago?"
The
pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that blooming fence wasn't
electrified."
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