The boss wondered why one of his most valued
employees was absent but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work
problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by
a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is
your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes,"
whispered the small voice.
"May
I talk with him?"
The
child whispered, "No."
Surprised
and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May
I talk with her?"
Again,
the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping
there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is
anyone else there?"
"Yes,"
whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering
what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I
speak with the policeman?"
"No,
he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy
doing what?"
"Talking
to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing
more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the
boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A
helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What
is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again,
whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed,
confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching
for?"
Still
whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle ... "Me!"
I forgot to turn off the lights again.
I feel
like a more on.
An old guy
was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.
He
asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady
over there?"
The
trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby.
The last
time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious.
I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so, I was thinking, would a
hijacker watch a movie? Probably not, right?... But you know it's a good movie
if you land, and he's like, oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.
Two
elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One
old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The
other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The
first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"
The
second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After
a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
A guy sees
a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell
and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The
guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You
talk?" he asks.
"Yep,"
the mutt replies.
"So,
what's your story?"
The
mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and
in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I
was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and
I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a
batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The
guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The
owner says, "Fifty ringgit."
The
guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so
cheap?"
The
owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
A cabbie
picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at
her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to
ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She
answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun for a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
"Well,
I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She
responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and
#2 you must be Catholic."
The
cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm a Catholic
too!"
The
nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He
does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the
cab driver starts crying.
"My
dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive
me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."
The
nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume
party."
I was
happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided
to get married.
My
parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?
She was a dream!
There
was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her
younger sister.
My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts and
low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did
it when she was near anyone else.
One
day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was
to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She
said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with
it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her
panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I
stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I
opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My
future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me
and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your
condoms in your car!
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