TUESDAY JOKES - 24

 

One day during a cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"

The proof that Sarah Palin's child isn't developmentally delayed is that he can do mathematics.

In fact, Trig functions.

One man said to another, "I got my wife a lady's wristwatch."
"Did she like it?" the second man asked.
"Yes, but then the lady showed up and took it back.

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him about her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did my next-door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.
"Certainly," he replied.
"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Q: What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless, and made out of plastic.

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and he's hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh - to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Put a flashlight in her ear.

Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, the embarrassed mother does try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

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