A
farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy,
playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in
your truck?"
"Fertilizer,"
the farmer replied.
"What
are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put
it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You
ought to live here," the little boy advised him.
"We put sugar and cream on ours."
My last
girlfriend used to call my willy what I thought was a big, powerful, scary
nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but
then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my willy was
really hard to find.
Britney
Spears and Christina Aguilera were building a barn. While putting up the inside
wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the
garbage can.
Britney
asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Christina
said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."
Britney
said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"
A plane
hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it
rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who
was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do
something about this?"
He
replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
Ladies,
next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment.
Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him
during that game, and just ask as many blooming questions as possible. I don't
understand who is that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I
don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going
to have a baby? Eventually, he will shoot himself in the face, and you will win
the argument.
A
woman went to the doctor's clinic and was seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran
down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and
she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in
another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the
first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is
63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?"
The
new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Two
bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a
gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could
bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The
dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She
then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take
off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a
skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The
men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and
yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She
then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling
"YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up
her winnings and quickly left.
The
dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked
the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The
second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying
attention!"
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going
anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The
first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take mathematics, history,
and logic.
"What's
logic?" the first redneck asked.
The
professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I
sure do."
"Then
I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's
really good!" said the redneck.
The
professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard,
you also own a house."
Impressed,
the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And
since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's
Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The
redneck was catching on.
"Finally,
since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,"
said the professor.
"You're
absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can't
wait to take that logic class!"
The
redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway
where his friend was still waiting.
"So
what classes are you taking?" asked the friend.
"Mathematics,
history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What
in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let
me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No,"
his friend replied.
"You're
queer, aren't you?"
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