TUESDAY JOKES - 49

 

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.
He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first, and again dumps the second on his right hand.
The bartender sees this and becomes curious as to the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.
So, the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"
So, the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."

Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? 
A: Opposites attract.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married... 
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. "Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up and the phone was already ringing non-stop.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer for small change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins; the phone was still ringing and getting me more than a bit annoyed.
When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. You can imagine the stench of that mixed up perfume overload!
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, handing the overweight patient a bottle of pills. 

"Instead, spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."

"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."
"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold onto a thought

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. 
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" 
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." 
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." 
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie." 
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." 
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. 
Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand looked at me, and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'

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