SUNDAY JOKES - 65

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes...
And it was performed by the young child sitting behind me on Delta Flight 963 from Los Angeles to Tokyo.

You know you need a DIFFERENT LAWYER when ......
* You meet him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway products.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

Why are single women thinner than married women?
Single women come home, look in their refrigerator, and go to bed.
Married women come home, look in their bed, then go to the refrigerator!

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: DEFROST THE CHICKEN!!!

What kind of bees make milk?
Boob-bees.

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.
One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 50 ringgit I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.
A funny enough parlour joke, he handed the man 50 ringgit and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 50 ringgit I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desperate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 50 ringgit and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.
Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of 100 ringgit, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up the pub, he returned for one last wager. "Hey, I bet you 100 ringgit I can piss on the ceiling". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was easily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a night's worth of drinking.
The regular pulled it out but didn't even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"
The regular retorted, "Yeah, but I bet the guys over there 500 ringgit that I could piss on you and make you laugh!"

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