TUESDAY JOKES - 63

 

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old tool, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

One salesgirl in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting while other girls stood around idle.
The store owner asked for her secret.
"It's easy," she said. "The others scoop up more than a pound and then start taking away. I scoop up less, then add to it."

A student burst into his professor’s office and says, "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this 'F' grade that you've given me!"
To which Professor Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

She said, You're an unoriginal jerk. Everything you've said to me you've said to some other girl. I felt awful but I was like, Yeah, of course. There's only a limited number of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female.

If you can only use them once, you're going to run out and be like, a garbage truck banana boat.

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? 

Put more men on the job."

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down.
He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule.
The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say "Thank the Lord!" to make it go and "Amen!" to make it stop.
So, the man said, "Thank the Lord, thank the Lord and thank the Lord!" and the mule took off! He was coming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop.
Finally, at the very edge of the cliff he remembered, "Amen!" 

The guy was so relieved he shouted, "Thank the Lord!"

Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and the supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand-new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do whatever you want."
So here I am.

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