THURSDAY JOKES - 76

 

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire! "The Methodists prayed in a corner. The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil. The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage. The Religious Man posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass. The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself! "The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God! "The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested. The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out!

One day, a 90-year-old man comes home and finds his 80-year-old wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall.
Shocked, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She responds, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop in."

One day, a blonde's neighbour goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.
The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbour made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day, the neighbour went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said, "I just got off the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

Give her a diamond after a fight. 

It's the best piece of a ring!

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I’m in the toilet. Please advise!

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!
Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.
Boss (now insulted): I want you to know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!
Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? Which hockey team did she play for?

The skydiving instructor was going through the question-and-answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"
The jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life!"

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations, son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. "Congratulations for what!" exclaimed Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I die, I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible, son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your timesheets."

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