TUESDAY JOKES - 76

 

A man called to testify at the Inland Revenue Department, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRD?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of a newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left of the stolen money."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

There was once a police atom who ran into a suspect atom.
As they looked at each other the police atom said, "I've got my ion you!" (eye on you).

A wife chewed out at her husband during the company picnic a while back. 

"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!...."

I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. As we drank the coffee, we realized that it tasted like dirt and mud. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee!

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great, Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

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