TUESDAY JOKES - 78

 

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his father. "I'm really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said. "Don't you love her?” the father asked in surprise. "Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet - and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them. ”Oh, is that all?” the father replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time. "The groom thought it over and decided it just might work. Meanwhile, the nervous bride had also privately approached her mother. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day! ”Oh, my dear,” the mother replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.” “No, you don’t understand,” the daughter implored. “My morning breath is so awful; my fiancé won’t even want to be near me! ”Well, I have an idea,” the mother said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath. "The bride thought it over and decided it just might work. 

In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. Then one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing? ”Oh, darling!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”

What is the definition of an adult?

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle!

 

An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through. she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silently passed gas - what do you think I should do?"
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

What is the definition of a chicken? 

The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead!

Pappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where are you going, son?"
Little Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm going out to meet Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I was courting, I didn't need a lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know," Johnny said, "and look what you got!"

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

He got fired!

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So, they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything!"   

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