THURSDAY JOKES - 95

 

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some chilly in our back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the stolen cash."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the chilly!"

Have you ever tried to catch a fog? 

I tried yesterday but I mist.

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy of his age. 

He asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

 

The second guy says, "Upon my death, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

When I was young, I was poor...
But after many years of hard work, I am no longer young!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for RM 10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

I used to play the piano by the ear. 

Now I use my hands!

When a customer sat on the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left side-burn above my left ear and the right side-burn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not - that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!" 

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