TUESDAY JOKES - 95

 

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 

Ten tickles.

I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. 

I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. 

My cousin replied, "Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!"

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel "Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"
The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet!"

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get on the wheelbarrow. Now wheel to the other building!"

Do you think swimming with sharks is not expensive? 

Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg!

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally, he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years, she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding, they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly," she asks him?
"So, I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well, why don't you just spit on your willy, like the monks did?"

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