Explaining facts of life, the Malaysian way – SR

Dear son,

The time has arrived for me to explain the facts of life to you. As this is a rather delicate subject, one which as a Malaysian, I am loath to explain in person, I have resorted to this letter.

Fact number one is abstinence. Son, in this country, we are experiencing a water crisis of sorts, despite being blessed with an abundance of rain. You might be under the impression that this crisis is due to sheer mismanagement by our authorities. Son, as a loyal citizen, do not question the cause, I urge you to abstain from your daily showers in the bathroom and freely bathe in the open as and when it rains. After all, abstinence is a virtue.

Fact number two deals with your orientation. Son, our road building programmes may seem positively bewildering to you. Do not complain about the wide roads that merge into narrow lanes, highways that lead to nowhere, or, roundabouts that cause endless bottlenecks. They are there for a reason. Just let go and embrace the mind-numbing chaos, it will propel you towards a greater spiritual orientation, as advocated by our religious leaders.

Fact number three dwells on positions. Let me stress here, you don't always have to be at the top, to achieve satisfaction. Just emulate our national values. Be it in education, football or transparency, we have always been content to let other nations get the better of us. In other words, our relatively dismal position in the international arena has not dampened our spirits one bit.

Fact number four is all about changing physical attributes. Son, there is a perception that our forests are vanishing at an astonishing rate, leading to  environmental disasters such as floods. Do not be alarmed by the rapidly changing physical attributes of our environment, just take up competitive swimming or master boat-building skills for such exigencies.

Fact number five weighs in on illicit reading materials. Son, such materials might induce throes of unbridled frenzy or alternatively reduce you to a state of catatonia and affect your impressionable mind beyond repair. Therefore, it is best to avoid them, altogether. As there is a chance you might stumble upon them by accident, our caring officials have taken the proactive step of banning such offensive materials in public places, including hotel rooms.

Son, I hope you find my advice, insightful. If you need more, don't hesitate to ask me.

Your loving parent.

* SR reads The Malaysian Insider.