Malaysian voices from the teh tarik stall and kopitiam

A teh tarik stall - Photograph: Wikipedia

Tota eavesdrops on the conversations in the coffee-shops in town and shares with us some juicy tales.

With many independent institutions destroyed and becoming tools of the ruling party, the teh tarik stall and the kopitiam stand out as “institutions” where there is a free mixture of Malaysians and a free flow of ideas.

There is so much nonsense happening in Bolehland that there is so much scope for comment, humour, sarcasm and satire. No one looks over his or her shoulder before saying anything and everyone feels free and easy, beyond the long arm of the Sedition Act!

(JP stands for Joe Public/June Public)

JP1: Did you read about a VIP passing through KLIA refusing to submit his luggage and that of his family to inspection by the Customs? When asked to do so by a officer, his response was, “Do you know who I am?”

JP2: What happened then?

JP1: Because this VIP goon was holding up the queue, she waved him and his family on. Smiling like jackasses, they disappeared fast.

JP2: Had this happened in UK, US or Australia, the officer would have told him, “Who the hell cares who you are!” and used airport security to get him to comply. Also, if we had an independent media, this VIP would have been named and shamed, with consequent dismissal or sacking if he was in the public sector.

JP3: This VIP goon could have smuggled anything – drugs, contraband goods or even a bomb if he was an IS sympathiser.

JP4: In Bolehland government, VIPs can escape from crime with impunity. Remember, currency smuggler Muhammad Muhammad Taib cooly smuggled RM3.8m out of the country, only to be caught by the Australian Customs.

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JP1: Did you read the advertisement by the Ministry of Tourism Malaysia to attract tourists to Malaysia?

JP2: I only read their advertisement in UK promoting Malaysia as the best place to come to for a boob job, if they were in distress because they are underendowed! They were forced to withdraw the stupid advert.

JP1: Another advertising gimmick featured a stress ball bearing the message: “Don’t be stressed. Come and distress in Malaysia”.

JP2: You are not serious, are you?

JP1: It was in the papers and social media is awash with the joke.

JP3: We’ve really two dead wood – heading that Ministry – and it is no urprise. Both are well past their shelf life.

JP1: Come to think of it, the advert is really telling the truth. Everything seems to be wrong with the country – the economy, galloping corruption, a rotten education system, disastrous inter-ethnic relations, Muslim extremism, GST adding to the misery of the rising cost of living.

JP3: They are probably right. The rakyat is not only stressed but distressed. Compassionate tourists may come to show their support and sympathy. We can do with all the help we can get.

(The stress balls were reportedly produced in 2006 and were meant to be given as souvenir items. “Nevertheless, due to the mis-spelling, a verbal apology was made and the stress balls were recalled immediately in 2006 as well,” said a Tourism Malaysia spokesperson.)

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JP1: The Umno goons who went to the church at Taman Medan to harass, intimidate and use violence to get it to remove a cross on its wall are true citizens of goondom.

JP2: If the logic of these mindless goons is used by Christians elsewhere, there would be no mosques in the US, the UK, Canada, the 27 EEC countries, Australia, New Zealand and in South America.

JP3: There would be no mosques in India except for Kashmir.

JP4: These fools are of such low IQ that they can’t see beyond their noses.

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JP1: Led by Mahathir, it appears to some that a grand plan is being hatched to remove Najib and install, at least temporarily, Muhyiddin as PM.

JP2: Muhyddin has joined Mahathir in calling for the truth to be told and we know what Muhyiddin means.

JP3: Obviously, the arrangement would be for Mukhriz as his deputy.

JP1: Mukhriz is not an MP.

JP2: Things can be arranged. He can come through the Senate backdoor.

JP3: I think to expedite things, Mukhriz should have resigned as MB Kedah and contested in the Permatang Pauh by-election.

JP2: From what Zahid, the Director of Operation says together with the winds of change blowing and the carrots being offered the electorate, Mukhriz would have won hands down.

Tota is the pseudonym of a regular contributor to our Thinking Allowed Online section.Aliran