Who are the real home-wreckers?

Blaming women who work as the sole cause for marriages going bust or families falling apart is not only arrogant but hypocritical and ignorant.

COMMENT

The president of Isma, Abdullah Zaik Abd Rahman, recently criticised working women, describing them as home-wreckers. He accused them of ignoring their husbands and children because they preferred to work at offices instead. His stinging words have prompted me to share a personal story of three generations of women I know.

This is the story of my grandmother, my mother and myself.

My grandmother, Khatija Bee, married my grandpa when she was 19, and he, 25. Unlike grandma, grandpa was well educated – but never treated her as less than his equal. He respected her, giving grandma much space and freedom to do as she pleased.

When grandpa struggled to support a household of six children, grandma started her little business from her own kitchen. As grandma’s business grew and customers started queueing in zigzag lines waiting for their orders, she took over as the main breadwinner in the family. Grandpa took a backseat and took care of not only her, but all six of their children and later, the grandchildren.

My grandpa was a religious man, and he looked up to my grandma because of her strength and courage. He never insisted on her playing the submissive wife while he took on the dominant role of “man” of the family. Grandpa loved and admired grandma for the iron woman that she was – and that made their partnership last until the very end.

My mother, Nisha, grew up helping grandma with her little business. At the age of 12, mom had to quit school and at 16, she met my dad. Ten years older, dad took my teenage mom as his wife but they did not start a family until two years later. In those two years, my dad made it his responsibility to teach mom everything she needed to know. From English lessons to table manners and fashion sense to make-up tips, my dad taught her everything.

And dad did not stop at that. From their first born to their third (and last), dad put a lot of effort into supporting mom in every way. Whenever mom was unwell, dad cooked, cleaned and nursed her back to health. Come to think of it, dad was mom’s Clark Kent – doing everything from cooking to gardening to carpentry and plumbing.

My mom came into my dad’s world as a naive, innocent teenage girl and blossomed into the fabulous, independent and courageous woman she is today – all because of my dad, her husband.

Just like my grandma and mom, I too married early. Like the two men in my life – my dad and grandpa, I thought I could depend on my husband. However, with marriage, comes great responsibilities and even greater sacrifice.

After marriage, my husband enriched his life by pursuing his Masters, followed with a Doctorate while I enriched mine with the art of toilet-scrubbing and the laundry. He devoted himself to his career and I devoted myself to him, the children and the family as a unit.

For some reason, as dedicated and devoted as I was, I never was given the freedom both my grandma and mom enjoyed from their husbands – I was not allowed to pursue my education, work or even learn to drive. Even going out with friends meant begging for his approval.

Unlike the two women before me, I was living in a modern world, yet I played the role of a submissive wife. I was no feminist, for I obeyed and followed my husband’s words and commands, yet was treated as less than his equal.

Abdullah Zaik linked the wreckage of the family unit to working women. But as a non-working woman who devoted herself to her family, my home was wrecked too. Whose fault was it then?

Truth is, many homes are shattered today not because women choose to work or are feminist in their way of thinking, but because men today leave much to be desired.

Men today are unlike men of yesterday. Men today limit their responsibilities in a household while pursuing their passions and dreams. Women on the other hand are enslaved, expected to raise children, manage households, care for husbands and still help settle bills. And if the woman does not do as she is told, feminism is to be blamed.

Feminists and working women are not the home-wreckers, Isma. Home-wreckers are those who abandon their responsibilities to their spouses and children.

Feminism has not robbed men of anything as claimed by Abdullah Zaik. It is mostly men who rob women of their rights and freedom. Working women do not cause marriages to fall apart – arrogance, hypocrisy, double standards and ignorance are to blame. And we do not have to look far for proof of such men – Abdullah Zaik fits the bill perfectly.