There
is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed
weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs
up for it. The next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his
door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that
reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees
her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her but is unable. This continues
for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this, he
tries the next weight loss plan; 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even
more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same
happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This
continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds
less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master's program. Before
he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity
of this plan. Still, he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door is a
hulking 300-pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging
erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're
mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34!
"Babe
is it in?" "Yea."
"Does
it hurt?" "Uh-huh."
"Let
me put it in slowly." "It still hurts."
"Okay,
let's try another shoe size."
A teacher was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart male student asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss about divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room, and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
A girl realized that she had grown hair
between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom
calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be
proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she
told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and
said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
With
their faith in humanity restored after the pandemic, a couple attends a concert
and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuables have
been taken from throughout the house, from the basement to the attic. And,
there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I
have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Three people get arrested and are taken
for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your
name?" She says, "Yo". The officer asks, "What are you in
for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes
her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your
name?" She responds with, "Yo-Yo". The officer asks, "What
are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The
officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says,
"Let me guess, your name is Yo-Yo-Yo." The guy replies, "No,
it's Bubbles."
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he
needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The
little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his willy doesn't get
hard?"
Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why she went to
heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're
'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm
swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall, there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St Peter returns she asks "What's the deal
with the clocks?"
St Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall
for every man on Earth".
Hillary asks "Well what does it mean when the
clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"
St Peter replies "That means that the man that
belongs to that clock has just committed adultery".
Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on
the wall?"
St Peters replies, "Of course, not. God has it
in his office and is using it for an electric fan".
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