SUNDAY JOKES - 77

 

There was a man driving down the road when he ran out of petrol. He went to the nearest house to ask for some fuel. As soon as he opened the door it started to rain, so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, "OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do, don't touch it."
So, the man went up to the guest room but was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both these but nothing happened.
So, the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff, he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up into a tiny ball.
Then the monster came over and touched the man and said, "Your days are numbered!"

 

How do you measure a snake?

In inches - they don’t have feet!

Wife: Why are you late?
Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred-ringgit bill.
Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Husband: No, I was standing on it.

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the supermarket. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” 

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the supermarket!”

 

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush!

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps out of his seat and shouts, "Shoot, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
It's called wedding cake!

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm going to catch some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.
The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well, the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.
The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there today?
" The boy responds, "It's a pussy willow."
The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

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