SUNDAY JOKES - 78

 

Puan Salmah was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Abang," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience', so I made it 'risk'."

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog!

 

I went to the doctor recently. 

He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What, like bacon and burgers?"
He said, "No, I mean you, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. 

Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he alright?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Why do teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because they’re always stuffed!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.
When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." 

Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no," her granny replied, "we have sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells.
She paused and wiped away a tear.
"If it wasn't for that dang ring-ding-ding ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."

 

People say that money is not the key to happiness...
But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made!

 

A Texas family of football supporters headed out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back-to-school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Sooners fan and I would like to wear this to school".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.
The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
To which the son replies, "I've only been an Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texas bastards!"

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