TUESDAY JOKES - 130

 

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No," replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and slams down the phone!

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”

Teacher: What's the meaning of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?
Student: Addu enna.
Teacher: I don't understand anything you said.

Student: Same here!

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that all of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive!

 

So, I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. 

I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

One of them said: "Wales, Idiot!"

So, I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember!

 

Know what I would like to do.  

I want to travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. 

And I would just run into the bedroom, right when they're doing it and just spank my dad on his ass and say: I am your son from the future!

 

Our dog Daisy, sleeps about 20 hours a day.
Her food prepared for her.

She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. 

Her meals are provided at no cost to her .

She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this, she pays nothing and nothing is required of her. 

She lives in a nice neighborhood in Damansara, in an apartment that is much larger than she needs and she is not required to do any upkeep.

If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.

She receives these accommodations absolutely free.

She is living like a Queen and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

............Our dog Daisy, lives the life of our politician!!!

 

A man walking along the Port Dickson beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Please build a bridge to Sumatra so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the bottom of the Strait of Malacca! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord spontaneously replied, "Do you want four lanes or six lanes on that bridge?"

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