SUNDAY JOKES - 132

 

A religious man, a Christian priest and a pastor have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood of the car and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his Church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.

The religious man stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.

"Great idea!" the religious man says and runs into his temple's tool shed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe!

 

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"



Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants.
She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."

The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village!"

Cop: So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane.
Criminal: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk!

Thank you for calling the Russian Embassy. 

No SVF officer here right now... Err, no diplomats are able to answer the phone, so at sound of the capitalist tone, leave your name, telephone number and a short description of the secrets you wish to sell!

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. 

The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get a long little doggie!"

I'm in my 30s; and everybody in my age group is talking about having kids or miracles. 

Oh, it's a miracle. 

It's always a miracle. 

I'm like, you had sex, right? Yeah? 

Then no, that's exactly what's supposed to happen from having sex. 

I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is what's happening. 

I call it a miracle when the girl doesn't get pregnant. 

That's when I start getting spiritual!

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." 

Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by George W Bush in Texas, which flew him across the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq!

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. 

Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. 

They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. 

After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!!"
Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agreed to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. 

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. 

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident - who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!!!"

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