A
5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey,
my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The
TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me
laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV
but the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the
doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there
stood Grandma's milkman. The milkman said, "Hello son, is your grandma
home?"
The little boy replied,
"Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend!"
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel
and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.
Yes, says the receptionist
irritably.
Excuse me, says the woman, but
I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?
The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down.
Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all!
Is your name winter?
Because you’ll be coming soon!
A truck driver was driving
along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge
was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge.
You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled
up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his
hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”
The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”
Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo and
not even a single throw hitting the target.
From another room the wife
calls, "Honey, what are you doing?"
Husband: "MISSING YOU..."
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such
a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your
problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!
Man: Just look at that young person with the
short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She is
my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me,
sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her
mother!
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket,
and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had
a similar spoon. So, the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said, "well, we
had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that
people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So, if we
carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by three hours
per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure
enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his,
stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something
else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a
very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters,
so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The
waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same
company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by
two hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and
when we have to go, we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely
eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was
impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in
your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon!"
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