SUNDAY JOKES - 215

 

Tamparuli Suspension Bridge, Sabah, Malaysia

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and cannot read the menu.

Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer.

I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Puteri, rub this fork under your armpit before I take it to the blind man.”

Puteri complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,

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Hey, I didn’t know that Puteri worked here…” 

 

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack*.

 

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

 

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybe.

 

What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.

 

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

 

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s clinic to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

 

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

 

The trip to the clinic takes about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

 

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

 

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

 

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

 

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

 

Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

 

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?”

 

I didn’t respond.

 

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

 

The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

 

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

 

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied…

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*"No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it has all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.” 

I am never going back to that doctor ever again!

 

Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!”
Reporter: “Name?”
Man: “Abdul Karim.”
Reporter: “Sex?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No, no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”

 

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny’s mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

“Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.”

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

 

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

 

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Johnny.

I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend,

Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn’t true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

 

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year.

I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a fourth letter.

 

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,

Johnny

Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Johnny was very upset.

 

He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Johnny’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Johnny looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner”, Johnny’s mother told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Johnny went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of Mary.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Johnny began to write his letter to God.

 

Letter 5

GOD,

I HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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