It’s healthy to be paranoid about frogs

Patient: Thor Kah Hoong

Diagnosis on admission: The patient displayed classic symptoms of paranoia, ie anxious, fearful thoughts and feelings about threats and a conspiracy, intense suspicion of hidden motives giving rise to a sense of anger and betrayal.

Transcript of the session with patient:

Doctor: Mr Thor, what are you afraid of?

Thor: A plague of slimy, disease-riddled frogs. I have been having nightmares about them.

Doctor: Frogs?

Thor: Yes, frogs.

Doctor: Kermit?

Thor: A hand-puppet, a cartoon, only good for laughs. The real thing is no laughing matter.

Doctor: Why are you afraid of frogs? Was there a childhood trauma involving them?

Thor: As a child, I used to catch tadpoles and put them in jars. Tadpoles are cute. They look like little fishes. But after a few weeks, they grew webbed limbs and couldn’t be confined in jars anymore. That’s the problem with them – you can’t pin them down in one spot. They get bloated and keep hopping to where there is better feed.

For decades the species has been infesting the political landscape. In earlier years, there were only a few in peninsula Malaysia, though the problem was quite bad in East Malaysia. Now, in recent months, the numbers have exploded in West Malaysia after May 9.

Doctor: But political leaders have said there will be a team of vets checking to make sure they are clean and will not muddy the gene pool. The mutated horrors will not be allowed in from the political wilderness.

Thor: (Laughs) Am I the one who is supposed to have a mental problem, or is it you? You believe politicians?

One name: Abdul Rashid Abdul Rahman. A man who said a couple of days ago: In the election, we must win by hook or by crook. A man who was the chairperson of the Elections Commission. In the months leading up to May 9, I got the impression from so many Pakatan Harapan politicians in ceramahs and comments from NGOs that the middle name of those in the Elections Commission was “Gerrymander.” Now he heads the election reform committee. Talk about letting a fox into the hen-house (to change my bestial analogy).

A man who gloated he was “lucky” the PM gave him “a job with a big salary.” A man who said it was stupid not to demand for power and position. A man who said we should emulate the BN government who created a dual penghulu system.

Did people shy away in horror at the prospect of more of the same? No, they gave him a standing ovation.

Doctor: But Dr Mahathir said…

Thor: “… the party’s stance is determined by the leadership of the party.” If a vice-president of the party is not a leader, what is he?

Doctor’s Final Notes: The patient could not be counseled out of his paranoia. He could become psychotic because before he left he quoted Hunter S Thompson, an American writer he said was one of his first gurus in writing. Thompson was a drug-fuelled writer who committed suicide by blowing his brains out: There is no such thing as paranoia. Your worst fears can come true at any time.

He quoted one of his favourite science-fiction writers, Philip K Dick, whose last few works were based on warped, unconventional religious beliefs: Strange how paranoia can link up with reality now and then.

He also sang a couple of lines from a song "Territorial Pissings" by a grunge band Nirvana, whose lead singer also blew his brains out:

Just because you’re paranoid

Don’t mean they’re not after you.

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THOR KAH HOONG is a veteran journalist. - Mkini