A spot of tea, scones and the art of doing business

“Next time this year, we will be millionaires”

- Del “Boy” Trotter’s (played by Sir David Jason) famous last words in the British comedy “Only Fools and Horses”.

SATIRE | The four gleaming Bentleys with personalised number plates were parked in VIP slots in the porch. The celebrity wives who walked into the hotel with the men had already arranged their own programme. While the men met and discussed business opportunities, the ladies were all set for their manicure, pedicure and spa sessions.

The “lesser” carriages like Beemers and Mercs owned by the second echelon were jockey-parked nearby. The rich and famous were gathering for a tete-a-tete over muffins, scones and cultured Irish tea. Who cares if there was insufficient space around the oblong table to practise social distancing?

The meeting was crucial in the current circumstances. There had to be damage control. Some wayward ones had been put in difficult situations. It may not have been entirely their fault – directives to cronies and middlemen had not been spelt out clearly and hence went overboard with their over-zealousness.

First things, first, said the silver-haired politician who chaired the meeting. “Don’t touch anything to do with aid or donations meant for the rakyat. Small ticket items - stuff like food hampers are not worth the risk. Don’t pretend you don’t read newspapers or watch TV. That will invite unnecessary attraction.

“There’s enough to go around. There’s RM250 billion, of which RM25 billion is a direct fiscal injection in the stimulus package. Even one percent is good money to be shared.”

Those around the table look at one another – some looking at the first-time attendees. They had just joined the fray, and the art of doing business the Malaysian way must be alien to those who gave the false notion that it is a sin to enrich themselves this way.

They understood that there’s much more to directors’ fees and meeting allowance by sitting on the boards of statutory bodies and agencies. After tasting power, they can’t live on fresh air and water or the mere crumbs which had been previously thrown at them by the imbeciles.

At the far end of the table, an elderly man cleared his throat to attract attention. “Mr Chairperson, our new members have nothing to be afraid of. It has been the norm for over 60 years until the clowns took over for just 20 months and they cut off the supply line. We will teach the newbies how to do it the traditional way – our way,” he said.

Someone circulated thick stacks of papers with various amounts allocated for the government departments. In the current circumstances, said the man who is supposedly the sifu or adviser to the pack, state departments can order all kinds of equipment and pay for services directly.

“No need for sebut harga (quotations) or reward a kaki (lackey) inside to do the adjustments. You just put your name on the list. Just demand,” he said.

"How many of you have set up companies already?" the adviser asked.

The one in the green Arab robes sheepishly raised his hand and said: “I have one but it is registered to supply kain pelikat, not sophisticated equipment like ventilators or hospital beds.”

When the laughter subsided, the adviser spoke again: “There is big money, even in providing short-message-service (SMS). Imagine just charging an extra one sen for each message is enough. Every day, there are a few million going out. Just calculate how much could be made over a month!”

One brave newbie spoke out: “I know how to send and read WhatsApp messages to my friends and groups. Sending to millions is beyond me.”

“Adik, go to the phone shop, lah. Just do a deal. You keep 90 percent and the man who does the actual work can keep 10 percent. That’s a fair deal.”

Elsewhere, someone is looking at the allocation for tourism.

“Hotels are closing. No use venturing into it, but there are millions for marketing and promotions. Many agencies are looking for work. We can make use of them.”

'Don't be greedy, don't take too much...'

The chairperson says: “We will take a break for an hour. Use this time to work out who gets what. No arguments and the newcomers must also be treated fairly. Don’t be greedy, don’t take too much. About 50 percent is reasonable.

“Now a warning - don’t leave fingerprints. Use layers after layers of companies or of those of your tribe. Don’t leave a paper trail and cover your tracks.

“Don’t run out there and order a new Mercedes like what the fellows in the east coast did last year. It caused a stink but was controllable. Don’t do such silly things in the current situation.

“Also, don’t take a starlet as a new wife immediately. Be discreet. Pacify the older one failing which she may squeal. Don’t forget that hell hath no fury as a woman scorned,” the chairperson said.

An hour later, the list was finalised. Yet another reminder: “No overlapping and stick to what you have all agreed. No straying into each other’s territory. Take what is given to you.”

One of the hangers-on from the outside walked into the room with a notebook. In a spread-sheet, all the details were keyed-in.

“I will send the entire list to all of you via WhatsApp. Don’t forward, don’t share,” the chairperson said.

Someone asked as to who was going to settle the bill for the makan kecil.

From the crowd, a lone voice volunteered: “Don’t worry. Sorted out, settled. Sudah diatur (already arranged). We have given so much revenue by sending people who had to be quarantined to this hotel. Surely, they are not going to present a bill to us or the ladies.”

The concluding remarks were telling and meaningful indeed: “This time next month, we will all be millionaires.”

On this note, the Rogues Convention adjourned sine die.

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R NADESWARAN is a veteran journalist who sometimes ventures into satire to maintain his sanity because there are too many fairy tales being passed off as news. Comments: citizen.nades22@gmail.com. - Mkini