SUNDAY JOKES - 25

 

Three women are in a gymnasium locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his willy. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his willy. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

The cleaning lady comes to the bank manager...
"Can you please give me the key of the safe vault?"
"What?! What for?"
"It's always so time-consuming to have to use my hairpin in order to clean it!"

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. 
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. 
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." 
"Is that a record?" she inquired. 
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close to as to want I can get."

Me (texting): Are we still on for today?
Reply Received: You don’t have to text me this every morning! 

As your boss, trust me when I say, WE ARE "ON" FOR WORK EVERY DAY, MON - FRI!

She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That's the weirdest thing. I was like, four grapes... to me, grapes aren't even food. They're like a palate cleanser. That's what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.

 

"I'm suffering dreadfully from insomnia. I've tried all sorts of remedies, but I can find nothing that will send me to sleep."
"Why don't you try talking to yourself?"

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles.
Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing RM 1,000 bet that no could beat him. 
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. 
After the laughter had subsided, the owner said that it was only fair that the man is given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done, he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

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