THURSDAY JOKES - 33

 

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "they're complimentary."

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand-new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where did you get that truck?!?"
"Tammie gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gives it to you?
I know that she was kind of sweet on you, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Tammie pulled up by the side of the road in her 4-wheel drive. She parked the truck, got out, then headed into the woods, threw off all her clothes, and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So, I took the truck! "
"Bubba, you're a smart man! Those clothes would never fit you!"

Why did it get so hot in a baseball stadium after the game?

All of the fans left.

A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he has money in the bank.
He replied "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, " Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

What do you call a train carrying bubble gum?

A chew-chew train.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains, and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 am and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."
An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 am and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 I don't pee like a horse nor at 8 am I crap like a cow."
"So, what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until 9 am"

A few years ago, when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lulu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom, I saw her making the bed.
She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course, this meant her luscious buttock was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there are few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice buttock, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.
So naturally, I sneak up behind her and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turned around and looked back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!
Of course, I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized, and got out of there.
The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately told her husband what had just happened - I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course, he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.
And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old.

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