TUESDAY JOKES - 36

 

David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he'd been working with the specialist for a few months, David's friend John noticed a change. "What happened?" John asked. "You don't worry about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier!" David answered.
"That must cost a fortune," John said.
"Yes, he charges RM 6,000 a month," David said sheepishly.
"Six thousand ringgit! How can you ever afford to pay him?" John exclaimed.
"I don't know," David said. "That's his problem."

My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort!

A couple of young children are at a day-care centre one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, want to play house?"
"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.
The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means.
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, a well-known drunkard in the town was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backward."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backward, too. Most puzzling." So, the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away...
Why stop there?
A garlic a day will keep everybody away!

Yesterday,
I had Cesium with which to play.
Now all my fingers have been blown away.
And silence reigns since yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm just half the man I used to be.
I have no eyes with which to see.
My legs have parted company.
Why she had to blow,
I don't know,
I can only say.
Something went awfully wrong,
In the waterbed where we lay.
Yesterday,
Her sky-blue path seemed such an easy way.
Now I know there is a price to pay.
Oh, I believed just yesterday.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So, I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing the driving?'

Idiot Sighting #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile service centre to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. A mechanic was working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'
'I know,' answered the young mechanic. 'I already got that side.'

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