TUESDAY JOKES - 34

 

"Kassim," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Kassim protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

My father, the deer hunter, loved to travel. 

I still remember his advice. 

“Go to Venice, son.“

Writing a horror screenplay. 

It starts off with a ringing phone.
The person answers and it’s a Dracula saying, “I have a bloody question..."

A little kid is in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. 

At the end of the test, he's flipping the coin again. 

The teacher says, "What are you doing?" 

He says, "Checking my answers."

A wild-eyed man, Mr. Schwartz, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power - everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humouring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

 

I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in Los Angeles - not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. 

And I'm in my car, and he gets out - he's sweating, he's got these little shorts on. 

You know how fast you were going? 

Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. 

These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

You met your attorney in prison.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror the number four finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins his closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mithra.
Just before trial starts, he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honour," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "brief".

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